I’m generally a very lax person. Problems don’t tend to bother me any longer than it takes for the said the problem to occur and I usually let Something happens, I react, and I move on. Pain is inevitable and at some point we’re all reminded that we’re only human. But suffering? Suffering is optional. This is me addressing the few moments where I let my emotions get the best of me and I held on to something a little longer than I should have. These are the moments where I actually care.
Earlier this year I wrote an entry titled “On the ones that got away.” The point of that post was to highlight the power that emotions can have over a person. Unless you’ve decided the person you’ve involved yourself with isn’t meant for you, no one ever wants to be the one who gets away. When we let a relationship end we naturally feel like we failed in the relationship. No one wants a relationship to end, because no one wants to fail. So what do we do? We stay longer than we should, because we think we’re better than their past or their future. We force something out of nothing because we want to be able to say that we made it when no one else could. This is the point where the relationship becomes more about your pride and ego than it does about love and passion.
There is a very fine line between pride and hubris, and admittedly, I’ll occasionally suffer from both. Pride will get in the way of a lot of things when you allow it too, and I’ve allowed it to get in the way of plenty.
There’s a little over a month and a half left of 2014, and I’ve learned plenty of lessons this year. But on of the most important I’ve learned is that just because you’re struggling, doesn’t mean you’re failing. I’ve half-assed and bullshitted my way through most of my life because, to be quite honest, not many things seemed important enough to warrant my undivided attention and best effort. Not only that, deep down, I’m afraid of failing. As many relationships as I’ve been in, I can count on one hand how many I can honestly say I gave my all. Why so few? Because I’m afraid my best won’t be good enough. It’s an absolutely frightening thought that the best I have to offer won’t be good enough for the person I’m asking to stay. But the bittersweet reality of it all is: the happiest moments were when I tried by hardest; when I did everything I could. Yes, those moments eventually passed and the relationships along with them, but it’s a painfully pleasant reminder of how beautiful life can be.
So this is an apology to the women who didn’t receive my best effort, you deserved better and undoubtedly have already found better.
And this is a thank you to the women who brought out the best in me, whether or not you deserved it.
darylkris 