A few days ago someone made a comment to me that I was afraid of commitment while simultaneously touching on the idea of me afraid of being alone. For awhile now my friends have made a joke about my inability to stay single, going so far as to kick me out of the “singles club.” I usually hit them with the typical response, “Just because she’s a girl friend, doesn’t mean I want to make her my girlfriend.” It sounds cliche, but you know what? It’s the truth.
Another person told me a few weeks ago that I was good at running to different girls because I was looking for comfort without any emotional reciprocation. For awhile last year, that may have been true, but since the start of the new year I’ve made a conscious effort to not dive in head first and actually take a snail’s pace when it came to relationships. That steady pace came much to the chagrin of some, which lead to the “afraid of commitment” comments I’ve been getting.
It’s not so much that I’m afraid of commitment or being in a relationship with one person. It’s just that I want to be sure of this person before I go on and waste any more of their time. The worst thing you could do is waste someone’s time by not being 100% with them. You’re doing no one any favors by sticking around any longer than you need to. This goes back to a post I wrote in 2013.
One day you’ll be the reason for the pain you wouldn’t wish on anyone, even in your angriest moments. But it’s a role that needs to be played. Saying “I love you” again and again is a lot easier than telling someone you can’t love them anymore. You’re afraid of being the bad guy, so you stay. You’re afraid of missing them, so you stay. Neither of those are good enough reasons to continue on with someone who isn’t right for you. You’re going to have to break their heart, and they won’t understand why, no matter how much you try to explain.
[…]
I’d need to find someone who’d give me that look that made me feel alive, invincible. That look that only I could appreciate. That look, that person I selfishly wanted to myself. That person that turns you into a hopeless romantic, that ruins you, that makes you not want to settle for anything less.
No, I’m not afraid of commitment, or being in a relationship, or spending the rest of my life with a single person. I’m just afraid of spending the rest of my life loving the wrong person.
darylkris 